yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
love makes seman taste better
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
