My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
