I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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