I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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