and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
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