dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize