I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
