dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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