Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Randomize
