I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
