I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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