i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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