i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
