I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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