dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Can I color on your dick again?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
