why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
