.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
