That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
