If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize