My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
