is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
