nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
