im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
