I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
