Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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