All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
