U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just high enough for therapy.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
