ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
