Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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