Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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