I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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