kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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