His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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