I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
