I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
