I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
