So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
