you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
