I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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