I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
