he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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