I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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