my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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