WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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