She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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