I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
