I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
