He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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