I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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