i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize