meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
