first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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