Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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