On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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