Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
