I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize