my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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