i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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