He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So vagazzling was a success
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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