remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
