this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
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