The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
