i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
