don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and she was petting her beer can
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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